In my last column, which was 100% true and you should all be preparing for an intergalactic onslaught instead of reading this, I had mentioned the city of Wichita, Kansas in the following context:

"Unfortunately, I had to run off and watch RavenTresses try on some clothes before I could learn the answers to any of these important questions that loomed over me much like an alien mothership looms over Wichita, Kansas before firing its death beams."

As my luck would have it, the absolutely wonderful people from Kansas took offense to the silly insinuation that a totally-imagined alien mothership would fire upon their incredible city with its so-called death beams.   I received the following letter in the mail from the state of Kansas, expressing their hatred and discontent for me and last week's article with impeccable eloquence and an unmatched grasp for the English language:

All I can say is that despite being ridiculously handsome and charming, I am somewhat embarrassed of my reckless journalism almost to the point where I had briefly considered writing more responsibly.  I can modestly say that I've only ever been wrong one other time in my life, however that was when I thought I was wrong but I was actually right.  I can only offer my sincerest and deepest apologies to the awesome state of Kansas and its remarkably good-looking population, all of whom probably smell very pretty and have perfect teeth.

I also thank you for very politically and gracefully putting me in my place.  While you were bestowing upon me a proverbial "second crack in my posterior", at the same time your correctly-spelled words left me feeling honored and privileged to have been provided with such constructive criticism.  I especially admire how you left the situation on a positive note, by promising us the opportunity to be lathered in thick, creamy black tar and tussled around in a fashionable and colorful array of feathers, which might actually be a new great look for Geea, and comparing us to a shaken, frazzled domesticated canine in the process of defecating the hardened seed cores found within a variety of fruit.

So once again, I apologize to the thousands and thousands of Kansans represented in There, and I promise that I will no longer write about such obviously made-up nonsense as an alien mothership firing death beams at your marvelous city.  For if any mothership were to fire beams at you, I should expect that they would only be beams of magnificent sunshine, friendship, and goodwill.  Sorry for causing all y'all to be madder than hornets and whatnot.  Have a good day, and best of luck on those alien implants hidden behind your knees.

Signed,

Rick_Slick
for The Voice of There

PS: Alien Overlords, you know what to do.