UPCOMING PARTNERSHIPS WITH MAKENA TECHNOLOGIES

by Rick_Slick

 

So after a long winter of RavenTresses and I trying to ski through a revolving door by timing it just right, and a few hospital visits, I thought I would sit down and write another Blue Nose article. Or, as Geea likes to call it: "doing my [CENSORED] job more than three [CENSORED] times a year." But the main problem I had was that I couldn't think of anything to write about, plus I always have a migraine headache. When RavenTresses gets migraine headaches, she says it's because her brain is too huge for her head because she is so smart, but mine is probably from the intense stress of having to write an article for The Voice more than twice a year.

Fortunately, the other day while RavenTresses was in the other room separating all her Cheerios by color (separating Fruit Loops was too difficult and time-consuming for her), I received an e-mail from a member of the There staff that detailed some very interesting business plans for Makena Technologies in 2008. If you don't know who Makena is, apparently their technologies and whatnot are what There uses to run. Anyway, due to the success of previous marketing ventures such as those Scion cars (without the facts right in front of me, they reported an increase in sales of over like a billion cars thanks to using There to advertise) and whatever that MIMS dude was here for, a large number of other industries have chosen the virtual world of There to reach out and capture new market share from our coveted demographic of people who hang out in a virtual world all day.

 In June, Makena is planning to announce a bold new business partnership with FOX to help advertise the 2nd season of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Paintguns will be eventually be replaced with real guns in-game (see below), and when hit, the There test avies' metal endoskeletons will be visible after pieces of caramel, mocha, and vanilla skin are blasted away. That's right... after years of abuse, it turns out that the test avatars will be given artificial intelligence and mercilessly hunt down everyone who ever buggy-bashed, paintballed, or bubble-trapped them. Much like Terminators in the series, the test avies will continuously try to go back in time to the first private beta test of There to prevent the members who abused them from ever making accounts. You pretty much won't be able to do anything in There without a Terminator avie busting in through the door and trying to terminate everyone and so forth, so that'll be fun. On a positive note, this may be a really good way to clean up Duda Beach and Zephyr.

 

In August, Planned Parenthood will be teaming up with Makena to promote various methods of birth control, to include abstinence, the use of prophylactics, still living in your parents' basement with all of your Star Wars figurines, having a mullet, and whatever else people do when they don't want to get stuck with a potential alimony payment for 18 years. They will also provide instructions on how to prevent catching spyware and viruses from unprotected Internet use. Their main base of operations, as depicted on the left, will be conveniently located just inside CosmoGIRL Village for maximum outreach potential. In addition to this new source of advice for members with questions regarding such topics as to why saran wrap and a rubber band doesn't work, female avies will now be able to become "with child" or whatever the politically correct term is for getting knocked up. This will be done with the use of a new 'impregnate emote, which can be set up to be spammed by guy avies with the use of a Giggles macro. To simulate the experience of carrying a child, females will no longer be able to wear any of the outfits in their inventory between the 3rd and 9th months, plus they will assume the cost of paying the monthly fee for a 2nd account once the child is born.

Not to be outdone by Planned Parenthood, the Pfizer pharmaceutical company will pop up to join forces with Makena in September to market their erectile dysfunction treatment, Viagra. Viagra will be available similarly to doggie treats in a bag, and be dispensed in the same way to male avies who are concerned about their ability to perform under certain circumstances and things of that nature. This partnership will also mark the debut of Viagra City, which can be easily discerned by the towering, phallic building erected in the center of the bustling metropolis. Your regular e-mail spam will also be supplemented by frequent ThereMail advertising various size-increasing vitamins and pills that insinuate you are incapable of providing any satisfaction whatsoever to anyone. Please understand that due to certain effects of Viagra on your avie, the "stand up" option may be removed from your list of actions while currently seated until it would be no longer uncomfortable to rise.

 

In November, in a bid to regain the teenage market, the tobacco industry will announce a new marketing deal with Makena to bring mascot Joe Camel into There, as well as allowing avatars to light up a refreshing, lung-blackening cigarette! Why sit at home alone on a Friday night like a dud when you can be hanging out at CosmoGIRL Village chain-smoking your way to a tracheostomy with your friends, making cat-calls at the girls heading over to the Planned Parenthood building while being chased by the male avies all coked-out on Viagra. Meanwhile, your burden on the There society will be simulated by a proportionate amount of Therebux taken out of everyone's account on a monthly basis to subsidize increased health care costs due to smoking-related avie health issues such as scratchy voicechat, lag, skintone discoloration, the formation of bad hard drive sectors, and increased risk of an overheated CPU.

 

 Last but not least, Smith and Wesson, the gun manufacturer, will be revealing their new line of handguns marketed via There in December... you know, for self defense. Why report a griefer for abuse when you can just whip out your trusty .45 and pop him right in the knee where he stands? A brand new feature will be that avies who are fatally shot by these weapons will have their accounts permanently discontinued, so the There staff would like to warn everyone in advance to please practice gun safety and try not to let things get out of control. As a note to designers, have your bulletproof vest submissions in by Thanksgiving -- they're expected to sell like hotcakes or whatever sort of cakes sell well. I've never actually seen anyone purchase a hotcake, so I'm not sure why that saying is so popular. I think the phrase should be more like "sell like adult videos".

This concludes my highly informative and, if I must say so myself, extremely well-written review on things to come between Makena Technologies and the variety of inappropriate associations that they seek to form in the near future. And if you think these will be interesting, just wait until the 2009 advertising partnerships are announced with Hustler magazine, the federal prison system, Astroglide, and an entire Colombian drug cartel. Please contact Vash_Community via the Official Forums if you have any questions or concerns about these new, exciting business opportunities!

[Disclaimer: The Voice does not endorse skiing through revolving doors no matter how quick your reflexes may be, shooting people to see if they are Terminators, smoking, implying the entire CosmoGIRL population needs the guidance of Planned Parenthood, feeling inadequate about your male avie's ED, or giving RavenTresses or RavenLynn a loaded handgun as a present.  We do, however, endorse and encourage contacting Vash via the Official forums ;)]