HOW NOT TO BREAK YOUR
CHRISTMAS PRESENTS

 by Rick_Slick

 

This past weekend I realized that Christmas is like only a week away and I better start shopping for presents!  Although RavenTresses appreciates presents throughout the entire year -- not just only on holidays like Christmas, her birthday, Arbor Day, or like Columbus Day and what-have-you -- it is especially important that she has plenty of presents to open on Christmas morning.   However, she and RavenLynn are prone to breaking things in ways I never thought possible... like the time RavenTresses hung onto the refrigerator door and swung back and forth on it until it broke off.  How do you even fix a refrigerator door?!  Based on hard-learned lessons, I've put together this quick guide regarding popular Christmas presents and how to avoid breaking them while putting your or your children's new toys together or while playing with them.

 

 1.  Nintendo Wii - Most of the damage done leading up to this holiday season involved the Wii controller slipping out of your kid's little greasy hands and putting a huge gaping hole in your nice wide-screen TV because they were too cool for the wrist strap.  However, what people DON'T count on is someone heaving the entire Nintendo Wii console itself through the wide-screen TV, right, RavenTresses?

 

2.  iPod - Although it was cute the first few times, you can't get the music out of your iPod by smashing it with a hammer or prying it apart with a screwdriver... you have to download your music legally off the internet like everyone else.  I'm not buying you another one, RavenLynn!

 

 3.  Portable DVD Player - When RavenTresses woke me up the next morning to inform me that her new pancake iron didn't work (i.e. "It's all broken and whatnot."), I became alarmed because as far as I knew, I didn't buy her a pancake iron.  Needless to say, a portable DVD player ceases to function properly after you pour pancake batter into the small circle-shaped depression where the DVD is supposed to go and then close the LCD screen and "wait for your pancake to cook".

 

4.  Cell Phone - I found out the hard way that the easiest way to get your cell phone broken is to have an annoying ringtone that RavenTresses doesn't like.  Additionally, never get one of those cell phones with the screen that flips shut, because certain people like to see how far that can bend in the wrong direction before it doesn't bend any longer.

 

5.  Digital Camera - First of all, RavenLynn, you don't need to buy a new memory card every time you fill one up with pictures.  Secondly, much like your iPod pieces laying uselessly in your top drawer when you tried to find the music inside, you will not see your pictures if you break the digital camera open to get them out.

 

 6.  Barbie Doll - Barbie dolls are not anatomically correct, and neither are Ken dolls, so don't bother placing them in all sorts of compromising positions and trying to contort Barbie like a pretzel in order to please Ken.  You're just going to end up with a bunch of one-legged Barbie Dolls.  Okay, I'm actually the guilty party on this one.

 

7.  Legos - Please don't break pieces in half to make them fit... there's usually a better piece to use.  Also, you do not have to put your Lego creation into the oven to "cure" it... Lego bricks are meant to be disassembled and re-assembled into other creations.  One more thing... if whatever I made out of Legos is more impressive than yours, do not drop kick it and send the pieces flying all over the room, because you will end up accidentally stepping on one three weeks later and somehow blame it on me.

 

8.  Tickle Me Elmo - Y'all wouldn't think that a Tickle Me Elmo doll would be easy to break, but it just so happens that if you have nothing better to do like RavenTresses and RavenLynn than to tickle him for four hours straight, the electronic components inside overheat and start a large electrical fire.  And if electronic components are causing the fire, please do not barge into the bathroom and toss it into the tub to put out the flames while someone like myself is taking a bath, therefore creating the world's first "Electrocute Me Elmo" doll.

 

9.  Video Games - Please do not use video game CD/DVDs as substitute frisbees for your puppy to catch and chew, RavenTresses.  That tends to make them a bit unreadable afterwards.  And RavenLynn, no matter how much you'd like to play a game called "John Madden '07 Super Mario Kart SOCOM Navy Seals", breaking apart game CDs and using scotch tape to reattach all the sections after you've switched them all around does NOT combine characters and features into a new game.

 

10.  SpinMaster Slurpee Maker - As much of a good idea you think it is, no one wants your bologna-flavored slurpee with chocolate sprinkles.  But if you do end up making something that nasty, you need to clean it out after you use it, not leave it sitting in the kitchen sink for a week because then every slurpee you make will taste like rotten bologna.  Also, don't put marbles in there.  I caught one of you trying.

 

11.  50" Plasma TV - For the last time, there is no actual blood plasma inside of the Plasma TV, so your scheme to drill a bunch of holes in it, milk out some blood plasma, and sell it to nearby blood banks for extra shopping money is not going to work, Ravens.  Additionally, if we are fighting over what to play, you do not "win" by chucking the Nintendo Wii console through the screen, because now we can't play or watch anything.

 

12.  TomTom Portable Car Navigator - After constantly telling RavenTresses where to go and what to do when she got there, this present ended up surviving being tossed out onto asphalt at speeds exceeding 55 mph while weaving in and out of oncoming traffic.  I had the manufacturer reprogram it to just compliment her on her driving and to tell her how pretty she looked in order to prevent it from taking another "accidental" trip out the car window.

 

 13.  Easy Bake Oven - This isn't so much about how your Easy Bake Oven could accidentally get broken, but more about how if you're using one to bake brownies or "cure" your Lego project or whatnot and then you leave the house with RavenLynn to go return all the Christmas gifts y'all didn't like for the next eight hours, don't expect your house to still be there when you return.  Another helpful tip:  Putting your cookie dough into the Easy Bake Oven and then placing the Easy Bake Oven into a regular oven does NOT make your cookies bake faster.

 

14.  Robo Sapien Remote Control Robot - Just because Robocop was a robot and the Robo Sapien is a robot doesn't mean the Robo Sapien can fight crime or stop bullets, RavenLynn.  And what jokester gave you an actual shotgun for Christmas, anyhow?!  Give that here.  No, you can't have it back.  Nor does the Easy Bake Oven mentioned above make a good tanning bed for your Robo Sapien, RavenTresses.

 

15.  Crash Helmet and Tether - This ended up being a really good present for someone who is prone to breaking things.  No further comment here.

 

[Disclaimer:  The Voice does not endorse letting RavenTresses or RavenLynn anywhere near your presents this Christmas unless you have a good insurance policy.]