8. Payback and revenge are important parts of the Christmas holiday spirit, because this time of year is about giving, not just receiving. Therefore, it is a time to sit back and reflect on all the shoddy gifts your siblings stuck you with over the years. So, in order to give in the same way that you have received, it would be fair play to buy drum sets, electric guitars, or power drills for all of your little nieces and nephews for months and months of early-morning post-Christmas fun for your grown-up brothers and sisters.

7. Giving each other Christmas presents and whatnot started way back when the Three Wise Men were all like "Yikes, it's Christmas and we're like halfway to the manger and we got nothin'! That doesn't seem very wise!" and Microsoft had only shipped like 12 XBOX 360s so it was really hard to get anything cool so they brought gold, frankincense, and myrhh. Since I doubt any of you just have gold bricks lying around, frankincense and myrrh were actually resins (dried tree sap) collected from trees. So apparently a box full of syrup is an acceptable Christmas gift if you're in a bind. I haven't figured out how to keep it all from leaking out the bottom corners yet, but I imagine it will really impress people with your knowledge of Christmas history.

6. If someone in your family or circle of friends is really into computers and has a lot of expensive computer hardware, I think a good gift for them would be a magnetic computer shelf, because everyone loves magnets! They don't make computer shelves out of magnets for some reason, so what you need to do is take an existing computer shelf, and wrap an entire spool of exposed copper wire around all the legs and shelves and supports, and then connect each end of the copper wire to a car battery. If done correctly, this will create a very powerful magnetic field which will warm the heart of your computer-loving gift recipient! If done incorrectly, this will probably just burn their house down.

4. You need to be careful not to give any gifts which try to improve whoever it is that you're buying the gift for, because it is often taken as an insult. From personal experience, I have found that people generally become a little rude when they open your present to find deodorant, bars of soap, cans of Slimfast, acne ointment, directions and invitations to meetings of the local Alcoholics Anonymous chapter, toothpaste and mouthwash, sleeping pills, or their "missing stuff" re-wrapped as gifts and given back to them. So that's why you should just buy them a carton of cigarettes, a bottle of whiskey, an adult movie, and a greasy bucket of KFC and let them embrace their vices.

3. If you are going to buy someone crotchless or edible panties, or some sort of "marital aid", be darn well sure you put the right person's tag on that present at the time of wrapping, lest you cause a very awkward moment between you and your grandmother at your family's Christmas get-together. The human brain associates different memories by smell, so use that to your advantage -- I find that placing old, musty mothballs inside the box helps me identify grandma's gift more quickly due to the association by scent.