More than words – The Voice of There

I decided to give Rick his own column since he does have a unique way of expressing himself. Also it saves me the time of putting disclaimers on each and every article he does. ;) So for some comic relief, we present to you The Blue Nose Files

PAST RAMBLINGS

Interview with God

An Awesome Group
Space Drama
Apology to State of Kansas

Exclusive Report on The State of There Address
Exclusive Second Report on the State of There Address
Blue Noses Go To Vegas
LucusFilm Buys Forterra

WHAT WILL THEY DO NEXT?

by Rick_Slick

While the questionnaires are being sent out to the MAB nominees, who are no doubt rubbing their greasy hands together and eagerly typing out their eloquent responses, one can only wonder what sort of retrospection the current MAB might be going through while looking back fondly on their service to the community. In this edition of the Blue Nose Files, Rick_Slick attempts to predict what the members of the Members' Advisory Board will do once they move on after the end of their term in May........

Much like my awesomeness, service on the Members' Advisory Board often goes underappreciated and unrecognized. If you're looking for fame and glory, free money and presents, people that will tell you how pretty you are, or even like a half-eaten tater tot because you're hungry and you spent all your food money on purchasing more Therebux, you won't find it here.

Some unfortunate helpless avatars are nominated for MAB by their enemies out of pure spite, while other avatars who are gluttons for punishment actually campaign for nominations. All of those who are nominated, with the slight exception of the ones whose e-mail addresses Alex_Community mistypes, are sent a 45-page questionnaire to fill out in 24 hours. Special proctors are sent over to their homes to make sure they don't cheat. Once they've successfully completed the entire form, which is about 10 times more difficult than the essay questions on most college physics final exams, they undergo a process not unlike American Idol. The MAB candidates take the stage in front of three There Developers that judge their re-enactments of past MAB debates or announcements. They are critiqued on their delivery, poise, choice of clothing, how cool their name sounds, and how many friends they have. Next, FTR_Eddie, the closest thing There has to Ryan Seacrest, urges all of America to use their cell phones to vote for the top 16 MAB candidates.

After the winners are chosen, they are taught the secret MAB handshake, given the secret MAB decoder ring, and then sequestered into a special chamber that is held at an uncomfortable 92 degrees Fahrenheit while they are verbally beaten into submission on the Official Forums and in sub-group meetings. Should anyone's self-esteem rise slightly above zero due to flagrantly misdirected positive feedback, their ego is sharply reduced by harassment over the effectiveness of the MAB or the perception that they have power over other members of the community and are abusing it.

Now, I may have slightly misrepresented the selection process and purpose of the MAB, but that's probably because I'm just making up stuff as I go along. But, in order to celebrate the release of these victims back into mainstream society, I would like to take some time to surmise what each of these brave souls might be doing after they return to "normal people land"...

ALLISONCHAINS - After the Fall 2004 MAB has adjourned, AllisonChains will take on a new challenge by filing a lawsuit against the music band "Alice In Chains" for the blatant rip off of her avatar name. She will also attempt to bring the Dave Matthews Band into There for a performance ala Steadman, only to become extremely frustrated and irate with Sonblock when the stage props demanded by Dave and his band exceed the polygon limit for developer items. She returns to TSO only to find that someone hid trash in her house, and it is now uninhabitable.

AMXSCOTT - Upon completion of his service as a member of the MAB, amxscott will retreat to his lair deep within the Gondor Fun Zone where he will hatch his next diabolical scheme to conquer There from within. His secret body double, there_test_11, will continue to throw off any assassination attempts by the Slightly Difficult Mission Force. He will also make outrageous claims such as to have invented the chat bubble, and that his buggy runs on a tapioca pudding-based fuel source. Either all that, or he will spend many years trying to shovel all of the snow off of Snowman Island.

Celtic will continue his relentless mission to convert all of There into a shrine to Ireland and Scotland after he's done with his MAB duties. Unfortunately, this crusade ends in a tragic kilt and bagpipe accident, forcing him to stay laid up in a hospital for months, watching re-runs of "Highlander: The Series", anything featuring Sean Connery, and listening to the "Bonny Portmore" song until he is totally sick of anything having to do with the entire British Isle. After this turning point in his life, he decides to replace his obsession with a new one: collecting empty 10x10 PAZes.

CHAGALL - In Chagall's post-MAB future, she will have difficulty returning to mainstream society and feel compelled to post a replay of every event she attends in "minutes" format to the Official Forums. This especially concerns her friends when she starts posting minutes of their gossip sessions. Furthermore, admist all the controversy, she is tricked into turning over the WolfUmbra_Haters club to WolfUmbra himself, who vows to increase the club's membership threefold under his leadership. She finally lands another job taste-testing flaming banana drinks for Miracle Pictures.

DOCD -Sadly enough, once DocD's inclusion in the MAB ends, he will experience many issues with his hard-earned real-estate purchases, as one of his Space Needles gets knocked over in a freak Monster TUV accident and crashes into Bali Hai, destroying over 75% of his investments and financially ruining him, since there is no concept of property insurance yet in There. DocD will spend the remainder of his days chasing women away from iVillage island with a paintgun "just to see them run in terror", and watching "Hawaii Five-O" re-runs in an effort to re-live his good ol' days.

DREAMWEAVER - Wrapping up her MAB service, DreamWeaver now has more time to finish up her second book, which surprises us all by not being another book of poetry, but an exciting, Tom Clancy-esque techno-thriller based in There called "Red PAZ Rising". Her designs continue to sell very well, enabling her to fund the There Real-Life Gathering in September, only to discover that the only people that are planning to attend are squealy, giggly 13-15 year old girls who spend all night trying to convince DreamWeaver how hot Orlando Bloom and Justin Timberlake are. In related news, stock in the company that produces Advil Migraine headache relief medicine rises sharply.

Geea - When Geea finishes off her MAB term in May, she will continue to be no fun and not let me make up anything about her like [DELETED BY EDITOR] or [DELETED BY EDITOR]. In fact, when she [DELETED BY EDITOR], Cheetos and [DELETED BY EDITOR]. [DELETED BY EDITOR] large quantities of alcohol and [DELETED BY EDITOR] [DELETED BY EDITOR] pasties. [DELETED BY EDITOR] NigelBlackthorne wearing nothing but Flintstones underoos and [DELETED BY EDITOR] [DELETED BY EDITOR] old bologna.

[You're treading on thin ice, Bluenose. -Ed.]

Ishmael55 ends his distinguished service with the Fall 2004 MAB, and dishes out retribution with a paintgun to the dozens of avatars that have made lousy "Call Me Ishmael" jokes or poor "Moby Dick" references over the past six months while he had to behave professionally due to MAB membership. His fifteen minutes of fame will end when he is mysteriously beaten in a championship hoverbike race by his wife, Boadiccae, driving a bacio. Media accusations of putting JP-5 jet fuel in her bacio (one of those made-up Blue Nose stories, probably) will turn the entire hoverbike racing industry in There inside-out, and Ishamel55 will be forced to take up a less controversial sport -- puppydog hockey.

Kally_Lunch's future after the MAB adjourns includes constructing a scale model of the Starship Enterprise out of BLOX and race kit parts. She becomes devastated after three months of work only to find that her masterpiece looks merely like BLOX and race kit parts all jumbled together in a fit of rage. Eventually, Kally becomes brave enough to use voice instead of typing, and much to our horror, we find out that she is a member of the Borg and that she is here to assimilate us into the collective. Ironically enough, hundreds of avatars show up to the "Resistance is Futile" event where this takes place and lags out her computer, thus saving us all from a horrible fate.

Malika - After finishing up her MAB sentence, Malika mysteriously disappears for nearly four months, having accidentally completely enclosed herself in walls while designing a new PAZ. Living off of only the items she had in her inventory (pepper doggie treats and flaming bananas), she managed to barely survive until rescuers helped her finally escape by placing a chair on the other side of the wall enclosure for her to sit in. After this unnerving fiasco, Malika gives up PAZ design and instead decides to take up the hobby of streaming her N*Sync MP3s over voicechat on her 1200 baud modem, much to the delight of Neckromacr.

mrF1xIT - With his Fall 2004 MAB stint behind him, mrF1xIT returns to the There movie scene with FatHamburger to produce "Austen Powers 2: Gold Funpass Member". It is slated to debut in the year 2017. Unknown to the rest of us, during his six-month term on the MAB, he led the creation of dozens of mrF1xIT clones that look and dress like him, randomly swapping them in and out of critical MAB meetings so that he could spend more time in Karuna. With no more MAB meetings to attend, his clone army fears that he will no longer have any need for them. Soon thereafter, mrF1xIT, despite his Jedi powers, meets his untimely demise during the ensuing "clone wars".

NEP - In the days long after his MAB term, Nep finally decides to take off and wash his MAB shirt. Before he can wash it, his shirt eludes capture by getting up and running away on its very own. Frequently considered the poster-boy for MAB, Nep continues to have Vietnam-like MAB flashbacks that often wake him up at night, his white-knuckled fists clenching his sheets while he screams "You don't know, because you weren't there, man!!" His closest friends consider the Old Yeller treatment, but cooler heads prevail and instead they set him up in a PAZ and charge admission for people to experience "The Crazy ex-MABster".

Oli - When Oli concludes her term on the Fall 2004 MAB, she will return to answering to her lesser-known full name, olipeanutbuttermaniaandidontcarewhoknowslissa_mae. Helper_Loki will be a key witness in her defense at her trial after Alex_Community discovers that oli's milk and cookies, often provided at MAB meetings, usually contained traces of NyQuil, thus explaining why people kept dozing off about halfway through critical MAB meetings before finishing all of the agenda items. The jury will find her innocent, and she will be able to return to her true hobby... giving all of her money to Rick_Slick.

UBER_GEEK finishes out his MAB career and then must check into Auctions Anonymous to undergo a 12-step program to recover from his auction addiction. After receiving invites for "Star Wars Ep3 Spoilers", "Lord of the Rings Discussion", "Lets Compare Gaming Rigs", and "Save Star Trek: Enterprise from Cancellation" events all being run simultaneously, he suffers a mental breakdown due to his inability to make a decision. Following that incident, UBER_GEEK will spend the rest of his There days in a special clinic muttering something about the only way to recover is if Mr. Spock mind-melds with him.

Zach - After finding himself locked out of the MAB Clubhouse permanently, ZachC spends his future normal-person days in There creating multiple "Barbie" versions of different vehicles, which sell like hotcakes to the Red Devil Playmates. Continuing to write for There Voice, ZachC eventually comes to discover that he and MichelleC are actually related, both having the last name of "C", thus explaining a lot about both of them. Years later, ZMW is shut down after being found guilty of providing buggies to Vash_Community with special compartments built inside the trunk for smuggling developer items over to Second Life.

Best wishes to the outgoing Members' Advisory Board, especially if any of the fates I have outlined here may actually befall you, because although I would be impressed with my psychic abilities, that would really suck for you. For those of you who will be selected to serve on the Spring 2005 MAB, good luck and remember that, just like for Spiderman, with great power comes great responsibility. Not everything you do or say will be appreciated, nor is it your job to make 100% of the people happy 100% of the time. Just try to make about 80% of the people happy, and the other 20% can go pound sand until it's their turn to be made happy. Serve us well, and you shall be remembered admirably for how you represented us and whatnot. Take all criticism constructively, even if not worded as eloquently as a whole mess of Kansans madder than hornets. A stitch in time saves nine. Live long and prosper. RavenTresses is so pretty! May the Force be with you.

(Editor’s Note – Thank you to MAB_Fall_2004 for their great sense of humor)