More than words – The Voice of There

I decided to give Rick his own column since he does have a unique way of expressing himself.  Also it saves me the time of putting disclaimers on each and every article he does. ;)  So for some comic relief, we present to you The Blue Nose Files

PAST RAMBLINGS

Interview with God

How to Create an Awesome Group

SPACE DRAMA

by Rick_Slick

Some say that good journalism means reporting the truth to an interested public, without sensationalism or bias.   Those people are widely regarded by me as looney.  I like to write about things I feel people need to know about, regardless of the degree of truth, and as hyped up as I can possibly make them.  So when I discovered what appeared to be several alien beings present at a recent MAB Roundtable meeting last Friday, I just knew there had to be a story behind all of this.  And if not, I was determined to make one up and incite panic among our readership.  I'm not quite sure what this "responsible news source" concept is that Geea keeps yelling at me about, but I'm not going to let it stop me from reporting my usual self-proclaimed important news.

The alien beings appeared to just sit quietly and listen in on plans that DocD was discussing with other Roundtable attendees, but I had an eerie feeling -- just like the kind you get when you notice the "girl" you've been dancing all night with at the club has an Adam's apple -- that the aliens were up to something.  Were they using some sort of mind waves to communicate with each other and formulating some sort of plan to destroy us from within by infiltrating the very inner workings of the MAB?  Were they merely gathering information on how we operate so they could best determine how to put us to use as their slave race?  What diabolical scheme did they have in store for us, and was their invasion fleet quickly approaching?   Were they some technologically advanced race that came all the way here to study Meret's forum posts for answers to their most deeply-rooted cultural problems?   Unfortunately, I had to run off and watch RavenTresses try on some clothes before I could learn the answers to any of these important questions that loomed over me much like an alien mothership looms over Wichita, Kansas before firing its death beams.

Much later as fate would have it, I caught a break and spied an alien landing craft parked in Dune Valley while I was doing important investigative reporter work such as slapping some AFK guy around with my buggy all over the desert.  I took one last bemused look at the poor, helpless, green-goggled newbie bouncing far out over the horizon, and then sped towards the alien saucer.  I chose to dismount my buggy, mostly because some dude bet me I couldn't use the word "dismount" in an article, and crept up to some nearby rocks to get a closer look.  I saw movement around inside the spacecraft, like some sort of disco party or something with sparkly lights and whatnot, and suddenly some sort of alien tractor beam locked onto me and drug me in.  I would like to take a moment to point out to all y'all living in the Midwest that a "tractor beam" doesn't actually involve tractors like as in the kind you farm with.  I clutched at the sand with my fingers -- trying to resist as the beam pulled me from behind, dropping my trousers to my ankles due to the sheer gravitational forces being manipulated by the alien device.  It pulled me right over a prickly cactus... ouch!  That's why I'm a vegetarian.. not because I love animals, but because I really hate plants!  Anyway, then everything went black... and I don't know for how long.  Well, I do know for how long, but it was only like for 4 seconds and that's not really all that dramatic.

When I regained consciousness, I was laying in a broken heap on a cold, metal deck -- much like the aftermath of every Computer Club party I ever attended in college.  Those were some hard-core party animals, let me tell you what!  With as much dignity as I could muster, I picked myself up and pulled my pants back up from around my ankles.  You might think that it would be difficult to do that in a dignified manner, but I've pretty much mastered that maneuver over the years.  To my amazement, before me stood a group of aliens.  I looked around and noticed that I was now inside their spacecraft!  This was nothing like the fake stuff we used in filming "Broc Lee: Man of Tomorrow"... this was the real thing!   Completely oblivious to any sort of danger I might be in, especially with the alien experimentation table nearby and an ominous-looking proctology thing mounted just above it with a glowing tip, I demanded to see their leader and began asking questions:

Rick_Slick, the Greatest Interviewer Ever: Where do you come from?

Supreme Alien Overlord Gaultier: Our home planet was destroyed by a giant comet and our race was scattered all over the galaxy.
Alien Overlord Jubi: You wouldnt be able to read it nor pronounce it.
Alien Overlord Jerryo: We're from a galaxy far far away.

Rick_Slick, the Greatest Interviewer Ever: Okay, Han Solo, I saw that one coming.  How many of you live among us?  What is your purpose?

Supreme Alien Overlord Gaultier: There are currently 72 United Aliens. Our purpose is to help all lesser species and intelligent lifeforms.
Alien Overlord Jerryo: Yes, our purpose is merely to observe the inhabitants of There and invade their activities, sometimes adding to the fun.
Alien Overlord Jubi: We do need a few more though. Some of us would like to try interbreeding. 'wink  Our purpose is to WREAK (def 1:inflict; 2:bring about) HAVOC (def 1:wide destruction; 2:great confusion). We usually 'inflict great confusion' more than we manage to 'bring about wide destruction'.

Rick_Slick, the Greatest Interviewer Ever: How do you communicate with your invasion fleet?

Alien Overlord Jerryo: If we had an invasion fleet, we would communicate with our cell phones, of course.
Supreme Alien Overlord Gaultier: We also use a combination of telepathy and instant messages.
Alien Overlord Jubi: We share one mind.

Rick_Slick, the Greatest Interviewer Ever: Where is your Mother Brain located?

Supreme Alien Overlord Gaultier: The mother brain was located inside the "Credit Cube" and has been missing for some time now.
Alien Overlord Jerryo: Mother Brain? LMAO. You've been playing way too much Metroid.

Rick_Slick, the Greatest Interviewer Ever: Do not mock me, you alien rascals!  What is the size of your strike force?

Alien Overlord Jubi: 'hmmmm.... Strike (def 1:hit sharply; 2:impress; 3:ignite by rubbing; 4:work stoppage) Force (def 1:exceptional energy; 2:persons available; 3:influence that causes motion) Are you flirting?
Supreme Alien Overlord Gaultier: Our strike force consists of 23 Sports Saucers, 17 Probe-U-Laters, 9 Retro UFO's, 5 Scout Vessels and a few Tommy Guns.

Rick_Slick, the Greatest Interviewer Ever: What are your plans for the inhabitants of There?

Alien Overlord Jerryo: To make all Therians indestructible. Now, most Therians can survive in space, get run over by vehicles, even fall from any altitude, without getting any broken bones or even a scratch. It was the least we could do after accidentally turning your water into blue concrete with our experiments.
Supreme Alien Overlord Gaultier: We only want to help them, and watch them prosper.
Alien Overlord Jubi: And to PARTY!

Rick_Slick, the Greatest Interviewer Ever: Rumor is that you've infiltrated the Member's Advisory Board in order to destroy us from within? What can you say about this?

Alien Overlord Jerryo: Infiltrate and destroy? Maybe you should watch ET, Close Encounters, or Flight of the Navigator again.
Alien Overlord Jubi: Destroy you from within what? I think one time we did confuse MAB with MOB and tried to disperse them.
Supreme Alien Overlord Gaultier: A few critical meetings have been monitored, but we have no plans on destroying you.

Rick_Slick, the Greatest Interviewer Ever: What is the best way to avoid your alien mind control rays?

Supreme Alien Overlord Gaultier: Tin Foil hats have proven to be mildly effective.
Alien Overlord Jerryo: Or super bunny slippers so you can run away fast. But why would you want to?
Alien Overlord Jubi: Think about Wayne Newton.

Rick_Slick, the Greatest Interviewer Ever: How technologically advanced are you?

Supreme Alien Overlord Gaultier: We have broadband connections and over 1ghz CPU's.
Alien Overlord Jerryo: Very advanced in most areas, but challenged in others. We're still unable to fix your water.

Rick_Slick, the Greatest Interviewer Ever: What other worlds have you explored, and why have you chosen us for invasion?

Supreme Alien Overlord Gaultier: We explored a world called Second Life but the beings who live there frightened us.
Alien Overlord Jubi: You wouldn't be able to read them nor pronounce them. We like Thereians. They are funny. We feel sorry for them cuz they are so ugly. But at least they don't wiggle their fingers around in the air when they are talking. Where we come from, that is immoral and indecent.
Alien Overlord Jerryo: This is the first world for me. I've heard that Second Life, Active Worlds, and a few others were explored, but found to be too primitive. Invasion? OK, that does it... what the heck is your problem with aliens? We're gonna have to use our mind control rays on you to get rid of all these negative alien thoughts of yours.

Rick_Slick, the Greatest Interviewer Ever: Do you know any pod people? What are they like?

Alien Overlord Jerryo: LMAO Haven't you met Baloo or Jack?
Supreme Alien Overlord Gaultier: Have you ever met Droopy?   Kind of like that.
Alien Overlord Jubi: Pod (def 1:dry fruit that splits open when ripe; def 2: compartment on a ship or craft) people? Are you referring to our leader??? He's awesome!

Rick_Slick, the Greatest Interviewer Ever: No, I'm awesome!! How can the average Thereian protect themselves from being abducted?

Alien Overlord Jerryo: Stop using teleport links in ThereDocs.
Alien Overlord Jubi: Wiggle their fingers around in the air while they are talking. But, why would you wanna do that???
Supreme Alien Overlord Gaultier: They should also avoid driving in desolate areas or near cattle.

Rick_Slick, the Greatest Interviewer Ever: If abducted, what measures should one take to reduce traumatization when being abducted?

Supreme Alien Overlord Gaultier: If you are abducted the main thing you should do is relax.  The probing equipment will be less invasive and more enjoyable that way.
Alien Overlord Jubi: Be sure to get sufficient rest the night before. Stock up on beer and pretzels. Bring your favorite music. Wear your favorite outfit, or buy a new one.... Stuff like that...
Alien Overlord Jerryo: Traumatization? There you go again with the negative thoughts. I've never had complaints about trauma from the Therians I've abducted up to The Sky Dwelling. Heck, many continue to come back and borrow my vehicles.

Clearly, these aliens were leading me to believe that they were benevolent and meant us no harm.  Fortunately, I was able to see right through their phony little act.  With a slightly more insight as to the intentions of the evil alien overlords and their Mother Brain, I quickly set out to gather information on what the citizens of There could do to prevent an all-out attack.  My initial thought was that our impressive array of mighty Space PAZes would be able to defend our virtual world from their geosynchronous orbits.  Here, I've interviewed several commanders of these formidable Space PAZ battle stations to find out just how well-prepared they are to repel an extra-terrestrial incursion.  Interestingly enough, one of these Space PAZ commanders had the same name as one of the aliens I interviewed earlier.  That is probably just pure coincidence, and no one should be alarmed that aliens have potentially already taken control of our orbital defense systems.

Rick_Slick, the Greatest Interviewer Ever: How long have you been established, and who commands your Space PAZ?

Mr_Rush, Commander, Deep Space 999,999: About 5 months now. I guess I do.
cg1701, Chief Bartender, Quark's Bar: I've been up here since March 2004 with no one at the helm.
Jubi, Captain, Space Cruiser: At the present location, since July 2004. Who commands it? Silly question.
Rick_M, Owner, The Space Odyssey: April 28, 2004... I am the owner.

Rick_Slick, the Greatest Interviewer Ever: Where did you get the idea for your PAZ?

cg1701, Chief Bartender, Quark's Bar: When I first started with There and PAZ building, i had a problem with the uneven ground, so I would just build to the top of the PAZ having everything off the ground. Then I started hanging off a side of a large hill or the mountain to be even higher. And one day I heard about the ISS and clicked a link that Artie had in a book of his, saw it, and decided to make a space PAZ of my own.
Rick_M, Owner, The Space Odyssey: My neighbor, the International Space Station.
Mr_Rush, Commander, Deep Space 999,999: Betrams helped design DS9 the first day up there. Jerryo has helped me rebuild it a few times as well.

Rick_Slick, the Greatest Interviewer Ever: What were some of the challenges in creating your PAZ?

Rick_M, Owner, The Space Odyssey: Launching from the ground was... stacking signs over large PAZes was very time-consuming.
cg1701, Chief Bartender, Quark's Bar: Doing it in space, with nothing to catch you if you fall. Helpful tip: Save a spot that is a good place to land, I would often move floors when building then fall, only to realize that the saved spot is no longer over a floor.
Jubi, Captain, Space Cruiser: I am hard to please. I am very limited by the items available.

Rick_Slick, the Greatest Interviewer Ever: What would you do differently with your PAZ knowing what you know now?

Mr_Rush, Commander, Deep Space 999,999: Hmm...Space Quake insurance?
cg1701, Chief Bartender, Quark's Bar: I'm always changing it, trying new ideas and layouts. I just added another PAZ last week, which brings the total of 4 50x50 and 1 10x10.
Jubi, Captain, Space Cruiser: Nothing, I improve it as I go. You are full of silly questions, arent you?

Rick_Slick, the Greatest Interviewer Ever: Look, we're talking about the imminent destruction of our virtual world here... no question is too silly!  What special features does your PAZ have over other PAZes?

Jubi, Captain, Space Cruiser: Lots of fun and easy things for newbies to do. Some oldies enjoy them too.
Rick_M, Owner, The Space Odyssey: The Newbie Trap, and the dead newbie inside.
Mr_Rush, Commander, Deep Space 999,999: The height I guess would be the main thing. If a member jumped off my PAZ with just their avatar... it would take close to 9 hours to hit the ground, or about 20 minutes by hoverboat. Did I mention my PAZ has a "The Voice" kiosk?
cg1701, Chief Bartender, Quark's Bar: I wouldn't say that I have "special features" that others don't have.  The bar is just a place where you can go, borrow a hoverboard, play some games, view the stars, find links to other sky/space PAZes, and chat with friends.

Rick_Slick, the Greatest Interviewer Ever: What sort of weaponry does your PAZ have to fend off an alien invasion?

Mr_Rush, Commander, Deep Space 999,999: The "Ignore" button comes in handy for that at times.
Rick_M, Owner, The Space Odyssey: My newbie trap works well.
cg1701, Chief Bartender, Quark's Bar: Don't tell anyone, but I'm kinda defenseless up here. If I have a problem, I have to rely on my ability to ignore them and hope they go away.
Jubi, Captain, Space Cruiser: Friends in high places.

Rick_Slick, the Greatest Interviewer Ever: How many dog parks does your PAZ have?

Mr_Rush, Commander, Deep Space 999,999: The "THERE" humane society said the air up there was too thin for dogs.
Rick_M, Owner, The Space Odyssey: None, but you can put the dog in the cage if you want.
Jubi, Captain, Space Cruiser: None. I haven't come up with an acceptable and workable dog park yet. Not much in world to work with, either.
cg1701, Chief Bartender, Quark's Bar: Had one at the bar, then I removed it.  I plan to make a space dog park in the near future, still trying to find the right supplies.

Rick_Slick, the Greatest Interviewer Ever: About how much a week does your PAZ cost to maintain?

Mr_Rush, Commander, Deep Space 999,999: 100s and 100s of pennies. (Cracks open piggy bank to pay for another week)
cg1701, Chief Bartender, Quark's Bar: Way too much, op costs run around 35280T$ a week plus expenses for new furniture and building supplies. 
Rick_M, Owner, The Space Odyssey: 8400 a week... over 330 days left on my 50x50.

Rick_Slick, the Greatest Interviewer Ever: Sounds like all y'all have a lot of money invested in your PAZes.   What is your defense plan should aliens invade?

cg1701, Chief Bartender, Quark's Bar: Stick my head between my knees and kiss my posterior goodbye.
Mr_Rush, Commander, Deep Space 999,999: I would send them on to the MAB clubhouse and let then take care of them. (Looks innocent)
Jubi, Captain, Space Cruiser: Flirt. And buy everyone a drink.

Rick_Slick, the Greatest Interviewer Ever: How long can your Space PAZ withstand a sustained alien attack, and where are your structural weaknesses?

Mr_Rush, Commander, Deep Space 999,999: My PAZ is pretty tough... unless they attack during an "Update"... Gulp...
cg1701, Chief Bartender, Quark's Bar: Like I would tell you.
Jubi, Captain, Space Cruiser: Am not sure. Why don't you come over tonight and we can play a game of alien attack and find out. 'wink... Structural weaknesses? Well, sometimes a PAZ will vanish into thin air for from 5 to 15 minutes. That is pretty scary. I guess my cloaking devices are still unstable.
Rick_M, Owner, The Space Odyssey: Indefinitely.

Rick_Slick, the Greatest Interviewer Ever: If aliens were to invade There, what would you suggest be their attack plan and how would they circumvent our orbital defense Space PAZes?

Jubi, Captain, Space Cruiser: I could tell you that, but then I would have to kill you.
Mr_Rush, Commander, Deep Space 999,999: If they attacked during an "update"... well... it wouldn't be pretty...
cg1701, Chief Bartender, Quark's Bar: 'hmmmm, sounds like you're planning to INVADE!!!!! I'm on to you and you're not getting away with this. I'm alerting the army... wait, There has no army. How about the police? Nope, that won't work either. I got it! I'll get There Help involved, can you wait until the weekend is over and do it during business hours (2PM-6PM M-F Pacific Time)?
Rick_M, Owner, The Space Odyssey: Well some Space PAZes that orbit There are owned by aliens... they absorb us if they choose... I think there is no defense.

I just hope that Rick_M isn't right.  It looks like Deep Space 999,999 will be our first line of defense against any sort of interstellar assault, existing at the maximum distance from There.  Jubi's Space Cruiser -- at right around 150km -- will be our last ditch effort to stop the attacking fleet.  I summarized the defensive capabilities of our Space PAZes in this quick-reference guide, and the results aren't promising:

My conclusion from this study is that the incoming alien invasion fleet will cut through all of our Space PAZes like swiss cheese within hours, regardless of any fireworks display, cone home, glow deck, or pirate ship that we might be able to offer up as resistance.  Several minutes after that, the aliens would breach our upper atmosphere and begin their assault on our major islands.   With no planetary defenses except poor fashion sense, lousy taste in music, horrible PAZ design, paintball guns, and avie cannons (avatars probably won't be able to pierce the armor plating of a spaceship no matter what velocity they depart the cannon at... the resulting effect would only be splatters of caramel, vanilla, and expresso all over the underside of the craft), we would be quickly overrun and churned into alien space butter or whatever aliens like to put on their toast.  I like to put grape jelly on my toast, but for now, I'll save that thought for a future article.

Ever since my experiences interrogating the aliens about their invasion plans and my findings that our orbiting space PAZes -- while not even meeting all of our dog park needs -- are ill-equipped to fend off a major alien attack against There, I have been busily spending my time constructing helmets out of tin foil in an attempt to block out the alien mind control rays.  I've become rather obsessed with the prospect of aliens taking over our virtual world and how best to prepare for the onslaught of the alien hive.  I no longer have a social life.  RavenTresses comes back late each night, with alcohol on her breath, her hair all messed up, her shirt half-unbuttoned, strange suction welts on her neck and chest, and the smell of some other man's cheap cologne all over her.  When I question her on where she's been and whom she's been with, she claims "the aliens have been abducting her and conducting experiments".  Those dirty rascals!  I sincerely believe that the fate of There rests upon my ability to determine just what these experiments are for, and how to stop these aliens from enslaving our avatars or using us for food.  But if I do get used for alien food, I hope I taste like liver and onions to them, because man, that stuff is nasty.

If you would like to avoid becoming alien food and get assimilated into the hive, you can apply to join the invasion fleet at the United Aliens In There Club Page.  If you believe There has any chance at all of resisting enslavement by the aliens, you may donate Therebucks to your favorite Space PAZ by contacting the corresponding owner listed here and requesting your money be spent on Proton Torpedoes and Laser Cannons.  Remember, the fate of There rests in your hands!

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