More than words – The Voice of There

I decided to give Rick his own column since he does have a unique way of expressing himself. Also it saves me the time of putting disclaimers on each and every article he does. ;) So for some comic relief, we present to you The Blue Nose Files

PAST RAMBLINGS

Interview with God

An Awesome Group
Space Drama
Apology to State of Kansas

Exclusive Report on The State of There Address
Exclusive Second Report on the State of There Address
Blue Noses Go To Vegas
LucusFilm Buys Forterra
MAB What Will They Do Now?
Dice and Whatnot
Tribute to MAB_2004
CONFESSIONS OF A THERE EMPLOYEE

ThereGames
Blue Nose is Back
Theme Weeks
How To
Blue Nose Real Life Gathering
Space Dumplins
Mission Premier
Last Minute Christmas

Puberty Pays a Visit to There

Gone in 60 Minutes

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

DEALING WITH STALKERS IN THERE

by Rick_Slick

Whether its the harmless teenage girl scoping out a crush in order to position herself nearby in case he should decide to make a move, or its the creepy 45-year-old virgin who has an entire wall full of printed screenshots of you and your friends, stalking is a serious problem which must be dealt with properly. This week, columnist Rick_Slick explores different methods of dealing with stalkers in a virtual world...

Now that Valentine's Day has come and gone, and you've predictably rejected that creepy admirer of yours with one of those little candy hearts that said "Get lost, loser!", you are most likely being stalked. Right now you're probably saying such things as "Rick_Slick, what could you possibly know of my plight, as I am a mere commoner?" or "Why hasn't Geea fired this idiot yet?" Since I am so awesome, you can imagine that there are lots of people, both male and female, who want to be my friend. Sometimes, they want to be more than friends. They want to be like me, dress like me, sleep with RavenTresses, eat the same food I do, rummage around in my garbage, smell my armpits, and write like me. Perhaps even more disturbing is when they want to hang out in the same places that I go, carefully watching whatever I do. Here are some Facts About Rick_Slick that explain why people are so intrigued by my awesomeness:

FACTS ABOUT RICK_SLICK:

1) Rick_Slick once successfully bid nil and won a Spades round while holding the ace of spades.

2) "Mission: Slightly Difficult" would have been a 12-minute long movie if the team consisted solely of clones of Rick_Slick.

3) Rick_Slick can win a 5 on 5 paintball game with only two paintballs loaded in his gun.

4) If Rick_Slick's ego were a developer object in There, it would be too large and have too many vertices to submit properly.

5) Everyone at the There Real-Life Gathering left out of boredom after three days because Rick_Slick wasn't there.

Stalking is a serious problem on the internet... right now it is like the 345th leading cause of death, ranking it just below accidentally slamming your own head in your car door. Since I don't know how to keep from accidentally slamming your own head in a car door, I'm fixin' to explain some of the psychology behind stalking, and describe some methods for dealing with these creepy people.

First of all, there are different types of stalking. I'm not sure what they're actually called, but I'm certain that if you go get a book on stalking from the library like "The Encyclopedia of Stalking" or whatnot, it can probably tell you. That is, unless you're afraid of people stalking you from the next book aisle over, you sissy. My favorite kind of stalking is where the guy or girl hides behind stuff and watches you from afar. These people are mostly harmless because they're embarrassed about being so fascinated with you that they hide in shame, trying to spy on you without being detected. You can usually spot them sticking out from behind a tree, peeking around the corner of a house, or hanging out in a "pretend" chat group with their "pretend" friends watching everything you say or do. Luckily, their floating nametag really gives them away. This happens to me all the time, and is nothing to be concerned about. It may be worth mentioning that this type of stalker is easily confused with a There Voice reporter who may just be trying to get a scoop.

The next sort of stalker is the person that keeps IM'ing you a bunch of times when you really don't want to talk to them. Sometimes, they IM you the second you log on. What's really creepy is at times, they don't say anything... they wait for you to talk to them, or try to catch you in the middle of voicechat so their IM window can re-direct the chat and they can hear your voice. This is especially embarrasing when you're in the middle of a naughty conversation with your girlfriend or boyfriend or whatnot, because then you're all breathing heavy and you're like "...and then I want to take off your leprechaun hat and stick yellow sticky notes all over you and..." and then you look up and you're all in a different IM window. Other times, they say things like "Rick, you're past due on the deadline for your article AGAIN!" and it creeps me all out and I have to close the window right away and go on Do Not Disturb because I get all emotionally traumatized.

Another kind of stalker is the scary kind that gathers information on you in There and then finds out who you are and where you live in real-life, and starts sending you creepy e-mails about how they fantasize about you, how they have 170 screenshots of you in There, and how they've tied a pair of balloons and a wig to a body pillow and pretend to snuggle with you at night. Thanks to Google Maps and satellites, you should never give out your real-life address to this kind of stalker because they can use the Internet to see where you live, how many cars you have on blocks out in your yard, and where all the bushes and trees are near your windows that they can hide behind at night. You'll want to be sure to pick up a pair of Night Vision Goggles in auctions so you can spot these frightening individuals out in your yard before it's too late. It would also help to not parade around in front of your window naked and dance suggestively with the stripper pole you have set up in your bedroom with the shades open. Right, RavenTresses?

Now that you know about all the different types of stalkers and what makes them tick, I am going to show you how to deal with stalkers. If you actually are a stalker reading this article for tips and pointers, please stop reading now and go to your stalking chat rooms or group clubhouse or wherever you hang out when you aren't stalking people.

TRY NOT TO BE SO AWESOME. I have never tried this tactic, but I would imagine that if all y'all shed your tendencies to be awesome, well-liked, popular, pretty, or whatever else that might draw people's interest, you would become too uninteresting for anyone to stalk. Your resultant lack of personality may cause you to go through friends and/or significant others like Makena Technologies goes through Community Managers, but this is all a small price to pay to prevent people from stalking you, right? Also, try not to throw out anything awesome in the garbage, because stalkers like to go through your garbage and steal your thrown-out clothing, used Q-Tips, soiled underwear, and half-eaten giblets of chicken from last night's dinner and sell them on e-Bay to other stalkers as part of some huge underground stalker network buying and selling on the black market of your personal items.

PLANT LANDMINES AROUND YOUR HOUSE. If you can't stop being awesome, then you could try digging little holes in your yard and planting landmines to keep stalkers at bay. There's nothing stalkers hate more than creeping around in your yard at night, trying to find that perfect bush or tree that has a great line-of-sight to your bedroom window, only to remove their foot from the pressure switch of a well-placed landmine and losing all of their limbs in the explosion. If you have friends that like to come over to your house to play outside, I could think of several drawbacks to this plan. Also, a crafty stalker could send in puppy dogs to trip the landmines first before creeping around your yard, as displayed in the picture on the right. This is why I made sure all the stalkers stopped reading this article before this part, so they don't learn how to defeat these measures.

HOOK UP YOUR LAME FRIENDS WITH YOUR STALKER. Stalkers follow you around because they either want attention, they want to make out with someone, or they want to smell your armpits. What better way to satisfy at least two of those three needs by setting up your stalker with one of your lame single friends? Your friend doesn't need to know that your stalker is some creepy person that digs around in your garbage to wear your underwear around like a hat -- after all, what your friend doesn't know won't hurt them. Plus, your friend will appreciate you helping them find someone special. Then, so you aren't stuck in the awkward social situation of having to hang out with your friend and his or her new significant stalker other, do something to sabotage the friendship so they won't be your friend anymore. I've never tried this because I have no friends, but it sounds good on paper.

LET YOUR COMPUTER GEEK SPOUSE PLAY AS YOUR AVATAR. If you have a spouse or a significant other than knows a lot about those fancy-schmancy computers or all that high-falutin' technology and you notice you are being stalked, just let him or her take over the computer and play as your There avatar. Although this could backfire on you as your geeky lover is more likely to just stare at your sexy avatar in the Body Mirror view mode and wish you looked more like that in real-life, run you around without any pants on, and/or make you say embarrassing things in front of your pals like "I can't wait for Ashlee Simpson's next album!", you may get lucky and run the stalker off if your spouse/significant other casually walks up to them and uses voice chat in the opposite gender's pitch to ask them about Cisco routers or domain name servers. Usually, stalkers don't know too much about these two subjects, so they will tend to teleport away instead of risking a social "faux pas". I sometimes like to throw around foreign words in my article so I seem more worldly. For you common people, "faux pas" translates into "fox paws" which in France means you are misrepresenting your knowledge of the Internet or something. This is pretty much the only word in the French language that doesn't mean "surrender". **

If you have a There stalking story you'd like to share, please e-mail me at rick@therevoice.com so I can read your story and pass it around to everyone at The Voice so we can all laugh at you and your horrific experiences. As a side note, any such stories that involve me in some way may get lost in the e-mail because the Internet is all complicated and sometimes information gets lost, you know. If you are a current victim of a stalking situation in There, please IM me in game and I will come over and go all "Brokeback Mountain" (or some other sort of rough cowboy shootout movie) on them until they get uncomfortable and leave. And remember folks... love is just when two people decide to stalk each other.

** Secret Behind-the-Scenes Look at the Making of a Blue Nose Article:
Rick_Slick: can I make fun of France in my article?
Rick_Slick: randomly?
Geea: sure
Rick_Slick: k
Rick_Slick: to the point where it causes an international incident?
Geea: let me see first
Rick_Slick: NEVERMIND THEN.

Editor's Note: I can write a disclaimer longer than Rick’s article but I will spare you and just get to the point. The Voice does not endorse using puppies as minesweepers, stalking people, smelling anyone's armpits regardless of how fascinated you are with them, or going to see "Brokeback Mountain" anticipating a rough cowboy shootout movie. There are no landmines in There and as far as we know gmax does not have the capabilities to create landmines for submissions or night vision goggles. We would also like apologize to France for anything offensive Rick might have said and to Makena, we are looking forward to a new Community Manager, really we are. Rick is a talented writer with a great imagination and humorous flare; his articles are written with the intent to make you laugh not to offend.